No Idling
Nothing goes the way you want it to when you’re running late. It’s like being in a hurry actually slows you down more. Red lights last longer. Pedestrians walk slower. Police officers pull up slowly behind you, almost daring you to give them a reason to flick on the sirens.
Such was the case for Andy that morning. His eyes focused on the dashboard clock almost as much as they did on the road. He barely made the left hand turn into the parking lot before the light turned red, and his car slid into Space #13 at precisely 9:06am…21 minutes after the meeting started. He felt the officer’s gaze on him, but refused to make eye contact. Andy pulled his keys from the ignition, grabbed his messenger bag from the passenger seat and exited the car in a single fluid motion. It was truly a sight to behold, and Andy would have normally taken the time to be impressed by himself, but there was no time for that today. It really was a shame no one was around to see it.
He made his way across the parking lot and through the main doors. He moved with purpose through the lobby of his office building, making it to elevator just in time to watch the doors close in his face. Shit. He began to hit the up button relentlessly, even though he knew it made no difference at all.
The lobby was abuzz with people, and as he scanned the room, he thought it to be a bit busier than usual for a Tuesday morning. The small coffee cart in the corner filled the room with the scent of freshly ground beans, yet the line was empty. He hit the button a few more times for good measure as he contemplated running over to grab a quick cup. He was already late, would a few more minutes really make a difference? As he smoothly pivoted on his left foot to make way for the cart, the elevator doors slid open. Already in motion, Andy made the quick decision to complete the turn, and once again put his fluidity on display. He paused quickly at the end of the full turn with one foot in the air, almost as if to time his last step with an unheard dance track. He softly landed as the metaphorical bass dropped and clenched his fist to congratulate himself as he stepped into the elevator.
A petite woman stood in the back of the car, leaning against the wall with her right foot propped up on the lower tier of a mail cart. She was completely engrossed in her phone and she tapped her foot along to whatever music was being sent to her white earbuds. Andy jumped back a little bit, startled, and was simultaneously relieved and disappointed that yet another one of his sweet moves would once again be appreciated by no one. He turned to face forward and hit the button for the ninth floor, smiling to himself as he noticed that the mail girl was heading to the tenth. Nothing could stand between him and the conference room now.
The elevator doors closed and Andy began to relax. What excuse would he use for being late today? He can’t remember what he used last week. Sick dog? Busted alarm clock? No, it was definitely “male” problems. He laughed to himself. Maybe he should keep some sort of excuse log handy for this type of thing. It was rather slick out that day. Maybe a simple weather/traffic combo would be just the ticket.
The elevator jerked to a stop and Andy’s eyes made their way to the lights above the door. Third floor. Shit. How in the hell did it take that long to go up only two floors? The doors opened to reveal a very large woman, deep in conversation with a presumably much smaller person, given the fact that Andy couldn’t see past the wonder that would become the next passenger. The conversation continued and the doors started to close. The large woman swung her cane back to stop the doors, causing them to re-open. Andy began to nervously tap his foot. He checked his watch repeatedly as he waited for the conversation to wrap up.
The mail girl in the back was oblivious to the current situation, still focusing all her attention on her phone. The large woman began to turn and revealed herself to be much younger than Andy had originally thought, which enraged him even more. She stared directly into Andy’s eyes as she boarded the elevator. He quickly looked away so that he wouldn’t turn to stone. He could have swore that he felt the elevator car drop a few inches at that moment. He looked over the the mail girl to confirm that things had gone awry. Nothing.
The sequence of grunts and heavy breathing that followed were usually not associated with the simple act of turning around in an elevator. This amused Andy enough to calm his nerves for a second, but that would soon change. His rage returned as he watched the end of the cane press the number four. You have got to be kidding me. He opened his mouth to say something, but quickly decided against it. She appeared to be quite skilled with that cane, and he didn’t have anything to defend himself with. His messenger bag served for more style than function, and would make a piss-poor excuse for a shield. Furthermore, it didn’t appear that there was enough room left in the elevator for him to forge an escape in the event that he needed to. His mouth closed.
The elevator strained and groaned to climb that single level, and Andy swore that the doors opened quicker than usual, almost willing the unwanted passenger to get the hell out. The woman exited with as much urgency as she used to board it, and much to Andy’s dismay, it returned to its usual sluggish pace now that its weight limit was no longer being tested. Andy muttered under his breath as he beat the ‘Door Close’ button without remorse. The mail girl looked up for a moment, and shrugged her shoulders as she decided she wasn’t interested. And just like that, she was back on her phone.
Andy closed his eyes and couldn’t help envisioning the horrific ways that the behemoth could meet her demise. Just as a large cloud of bees emerged from a honeycomb that she was ravaging with her bloated fists and engulfed her face, he was jerked back to reality. The elevator stopped on the fifth floor.
“MOTHERFU…”
Andy stopped mid word as one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen stepped into the elevator. Her long brown hair swept through the air as she smiled at Andy and gracefully stepped into the elevator, spinning to face forward. This 180 was not unlike Andy’s own 360 degree elevator entrance, and he certainly took note of it. She was good. She pressed the button for the eighth floor and immediately turned to Andy.
“Good Morning!”
“Is it?” Andy chuckled nervously.
Her smile grew as she chuckled along with him.
“I’m having a bit of a morning myself. I’m late for a meeting and I’ve never been in this building before.”
Andy didn’t know what to do with himself. Was this beautiful woman actually having a conversation with him? He could help her, but he was late himself. Then again, he was already in deep shit, so what harm could a few extra minutes do? But…Dalton has been looking for any reason to fire his ass, so every minute counts.
But wait a minute!
Even Dalton wouldn’t be able to resist helping her. He had to at least get her name. Ending the conversation with himself with a confident nod, he turned just in time to see her walk through the already open elevator doors. As they began to shut more rapidly than he would have liked, she spun around with a level of elegance and grace that few people possess. Her hair flowed out from behind her, not unlike that of a model in a shampoo commercial. Damn.
“Have a good day!”
Andy smiled but couldn’t get a word out before the doors closed, sealing her out of his life forever.
“Unbelievable!”
He stomped his foot and hit the already lit button for the ninth floor twelve or thirteen more times. Feeling a set of eyes on him, he turned to see the mail girl staring right at him. They locked eyes for a moment before she replaced her left earbud back in her ear and returned her attention back to her phone.
“Sure, now you pay attention.”
There was no reaction from the girl, and he turned to face forward while wondering exactly what in the hell her deal was.
The elevator doors opened and presented the ninth floor in all its glory. Andy’s sense of urgency immediately returned, and he flew out of the elevator. He took an immediate left, and proceeded to haul ass down the corridor. The mail girl jumped to the front of the elevator and got her head out the door in just enough time to see Andy launch his coat over a cubicle wall and disappear around the corner. She laughed to herself and retreated back into the elevator.
If any of the meeting’s dozen-or-so attendees would have glanced at the small window in the rear entrance to the conference room, it would have been impossible not to laugh at the sight of Andy’s mussed hair slowly rising into visibility…to be followed by his forehead, eyebrows, and just barely the whites of his eyes. Andy quickly sought out the only unoccupied seats in the room, which of course were right up front. He ducked back out of sight, ran his fingers through his hair, and took a deep breath in. He exhaled slowly as his hand turned the door handle downward. He began to push the door open to make his move. At about the halfway point, the hinges squealed and creaked something awful. Every single head in the room turned to face Andy. His face went crimson.
“Sorry I’m late, Boss.”
He only intended to give an excuse if he was prompted. There was no use in wasting one unnecessarily. Andy scurried to one of the empty chairs as the roundish older man standing at the head of the table burned a hole through him with an icy stare. He continued to watch as Andy fumbled with a notebook and searched his bag for a pen for what seemed like an eternity. Andy came up short and tossed his bag to the floor with a sigh that was far louder than he intended. The roundish man’s impatience was growing and as he was moving in to make the kill, he was interrupted by a slender man seated across the table from Andy.
“Here you go, man.”
The man pulled a blue pen from his shirt pocket and passed it over to Andy while mouthing the words “What the hell?” Andy just shrugged as he picked up the pen and clicked it a few times to test its functionality. Satisfied with the results, he looked up to make eye contact with his now fuming boss. The roundish man quickly regained his composure now that he was once again the focus of attention.
“Now that Johnson here has finally decided to grace us with his presence, we can move on to new business.”
Andy shifted uncomfortably and a few snickers were heard around the room.
“I received a call from the school board requesting a new sign to be placed in their parking lot where cars line up to pick up or drop off the children. A representative was supposed to be here today, but I can only guess that she found herself in a predicament that I’m sure is only about twenty percent as ridiculous as the load of crap that Johnson here has prepared for me.”
He cracked a smile as the other attendees tried to shudder their laughter.
“All right, all right” said Andy. “I get it. I was late. Again. So tell me Mr. Dalton, what is the purpose of said sign?”
Dalton took his seat at the head of the table and scanned the faces in the room to be sure he had everyone’s undivided attention.
“The teachers who monitor the drop off and pick up lines before and after school have growing concerns about the students’ increased exposure to exhaust fumes created by all of the idling cars.”
He stopped to take a sip from a can of diet soda sitting on the table and scanned the room once again.
“The sign is to say ’No Idling…Children Breathing.’ The floor is now open for suggestions.”
Andy watched as everyone else in the room grabbed their pens and seemed to collectively write this riveting information down in unison. The combination of this along with such a ridiculous concept caused Andy to let out a weird hybrid of a laugh and a snort…a truly unique sound. Think of something that starts off Miss Piggy and ends up being Kermit. It was weird.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”
This reintroduced silence to the room and put the attention back on Andy. There appeared to be a 50-50 split of agreement and disdain for his behavior. If Dalton would have had a gavel, this would have been the time for him to use it. He didn’t though, so he improvised. He brought two fingers to his lips and let out an impressive wolf whistle. Andy could whistle, but he was never able to do the whole “two-fingers-in-the-mouth” thing. He just didn’t have the touch.
“Do we have a problem, Johnson?”
Andy just smirked. “Not if we’re suddenly in the business of making ridiculous signs.”
Dalton leaned back in his chair and motioned to Andy with two fingers. The floor was his. Andy does his best impression of Dalton as he scans the room. His buddy from across the table seems to be the only one that notices…or is the only one brave enough to subtly acknowledge it. Andy gives a quick wink and stands to take the floor.
“Look. I’m sure that there is a lot of compelling evidence that legitimates the need and desire to reduce exhaust fumes…”
Andy takes a swig from Dalton’s soda. Dalton sits up a bit, but is cut off before he can inquire as to exactly what in the hell Andy thinks he’s doing.
“…but ‘Children Breathing?’ Are you serious? Is that to differentiate the level of danger that the exhaust has on the living children versus all the dead children scattered across the school lawn?”
That last comment didn’t sit well with a somewhat prudish looking woman seated in the corner of the room. “Disgusting,” she huffed.
“No,” Andy continued. “What’s disgusting is the continued pussification of society in general. This is insane! All the starting and stopping of the cars…this is just going to make everything slower and less efficient. What we really need is for everyone to stop constantly looking for things to change. Has there been a sudden influx of disease and death in our school-aged children caused by short-term exposure to carbon monoxide and hydrocarbons?”
“Damn, dude. You really know some stuff about exhaust fumes,” said his friend from across the table.
“I do, Kenny. I really do.”
Apparently, this was the point in which Dalton had decided he had enough and was ready to regain control of his team, and he leaned forward. The man exuded dominance even though he is probably the least physically intimidating man to ever walk the planet. Everyone but Andy resumed their role of being timid little puppets.
“Look Johnson, I’m not sure if you took a nasty spill and hit your head this morning. In fact, I’m actually looking forward to hearing about whatever shenanigans caused you to be 33 minutes late to this morning’s meeting. But as you know, we’re not in the business of determining need, we just design and manufacture the sign, no matter how ridiculous we find the request to be.”
“A-HA! So you DO think it’s ridiculous!” Andy had victory in his eyes.
“I didn’t say that.”
“But you thought it!” “Dammit Johnson! Stop it! I did no such thing!” A thick vein began to protrude from Dalton’s forehead and Andy could swear his face was getting redder.
“Alright, alright.” Andy scribbled something down in his notebook. Under his breath, he muttered “you totally did.” He looked up at Dalton and winked.
An outside observer would have looked in and swore that time was frozen except for Andy and Dalton at this moment. Every other person in the room sat still, some holding their breath, in fear and anticipation of the potential events that could follow.
“Oh just get the hell out of here if you’re not going to say anything productive!”
Andy actually joined in on the collective gasp that filled the room. He couldn’t possibly be serious. He’s witnessed much bigger breakdowns than this, and the last person that got tossed out of the room, well…she will be missed.
“GO!”
Andy opened his mouth to respond, but the look on Dalton’s face quickly closed it. He gathered his things and stood up to leave. Not a single person in the room made eye contact with him as he made his way to the exit. As he opened the door, Dalton called out.
“Try going outside and getting some fresh air.”
Andy rolled his eyes before turning back to face Dalton. “Anything else?” he asked. He instantly regretted the amount of sarcasm that was implied.
“Yeah. Try changing your attitude if you’d like to continue working here.”
Andy maintained eye contact for a moment before turning and exiting the room. He let the door fall behind him and cringed as the latch closed a bit louder than he would have liked for it to. As Andy began to walk back down the hallway, he started to question as to whether or not he handled that situation the best way he could have. No matter how he played back the events in his head, he still ended up being kicked out of the meeting and in this hallway. He shrugged his shoulders. As he came across his jacket, still lying in a haphazard state, half-draped over his cube wall, he grabbed it and put it back on. He had the last button fastened just as he reached the elevator.
Before he even hit the down button, he knew he was doomed. The all-telling whine of the elevator’s alarm told him everything he needed to know. The light above the door showed the car on the tenth floor and he knew exactly what he would find if he was to go just one floor higher — the mail cart, sitting half in and half out of the elevator, preventing it from closing while the mail girl frantically runs to each mail stop, hurrying to get back before she’s found out. We can only hope there is a special place in hell for mail delivery personnel who carry out this particular type of behavior. And that girl must be new, he couldn’t remember seeing her before today. How does she know this tactic already? They must cover this type of shit in orientation.
Furious, Andy stormed over to the stairwell and pushed the door open. Hard. So hard that he almost knocked over the pretty woman that he had met in the elevator earlier that morning. He did his best to compose himself, but could only get out a flustered “Sorry…” as she pushed passed him onto the ninth floor.
“No problem,” she said. “I have to go. I’m so late!”
Andy watched in horror as she walked out of his life for the second time within the hour. He couldn’t bear not to try. “I didn’t get your name,” he called after her. The only response he got was silence as he watched the last bit of her hair flow behind her as she rounded the corner.
Shit!
Andy sighed as he leaned up against the wall, just needing a few moments to feel sorry for himself. He looked up to find the mail girl’s head poking out of the elevator. The smirk on her face let Andy know that she probably saw more of that then he would have wanted her to. She pulled her cart back in and held her hand out to stop the door from closing. She looked at him inquisitively. He stared at her for a second in disbelief and proceeded to turn and kick open the stairwell door, this time with no beautiful woman to knock over. Sigh. He bounded down the stairs, taking them a few at a time.
Andy bursted through the door in the lobby, wheezing and grunting. Those nine flights really got the best of him, even going down. He found himself standing nearly in the middle of a now-stalled conversation, with three very important looking people intently focused on him. He looked around quickly to get his bearings and beelined it for the front door.
The cold winter air was a shock to his system, and he bent over, breathing deeply and quickly. He instantly began to choke, which was quite literally the opposite effect that he had wanted from the “fresh” air. He stood up to find himself in a giant cloud of exhaust, originating from what looked like a monster truck’s bastard step-child that sat idling to his right.
Andy began waving his hands in front of his face as he made his way over to the driver’s side door, where he gave the window four solid thumps with the side of his fist. The window rolled down to reveal a man that could only be described as some sort of hybrid redneck and mountain man. He spat a large amount of tobacco juice out the window. This was followed by the wad of tobacco itself, which nearly hit Andy in the face.
“What?” The tone of this man’s voice caused Andy to make a mental note never to hit a redneck’s truck again.
“You can’t just let your truck idle in front of a door. Look at all this!”
The driver turned in his seat to take in the sight of the toxic cloud that his truck was responsible for.
“People are trying to breathe out here!” cried Andy.
“Sorry, man. I guess I didn’t realize it was that bad.” The man turned off his engine and the cloud immediately started to dissipate into the frigid air.
Andy looked at him dumbfounded. “It’s fine.”
Andy’s words trailed off as the irony of the situation began to settle in. He stared off into space just past the driver as he realized that the idiotic sign actually did have a purpose. And if one single car had this drastic of an effect on him, what would multiple cars do to immature, still developing lungs? He shook himself back to reality, looked at the man one last time, and turned to walk back into the building.
“You alright?” the man called after him. Andy just nodded his head and gave a half wave as he headed back into the building. As he approached the elevator, he heard the damned alarm again. He calmly looked to the light for the location. Second floor. He made his way to the stairs and moved up to the next level with a grace that accompanied his new found confidence. Sure enough, the mail cart was exactly where he expected to find it. Without even glancing for its owner’s location, he pulled the cart into the hall and stepped into the elevator.
“Hey!” he heard from down the hall.
He pushed the button for the ninth floor and the doors began to close. He could only smile as he saw the mail girl almost fall over the cart as she sprinted toward the door. He made eye contact with her and grinned widely through the final crack of light before the doors closed directly in her face. The car began to make its journey north. The remainder of the ride was uninterrupted, and he began to whistle a happy little tune to himself.
When the doors opened to the ninth floor, Andy exited and walked around the corner to his cube. It was a small space, and it looked like he made it as personal as he could. The walls were littered with movie posters from the 1980s, and his work surface was neat and tidy. A laptop sat closed on the desktop, and there was a small notebook and pen to its left. Andy set his bag down at the far end of the desk and took off his coat. He placed it on a hanger, which he then hung on a hook that was clipped over his cube wall. He pulled the notebook and Kenny’s pen from his bag, stepped out of the cube and began to make his way back to the conference room.
Without a hint of hesitation, Andy silently opened the door to the room, slipped in, and let the latch close without making a sound. The only person who initially saw him was Kenny, who did a double take before mouthing the words “What the hell?” This alerted the person now seated next to him. A smile began to grow on Andy’s face. The newest meeting attendee was none other than the mystery elevator/stairwell girl. She caught his eye and returned his smile. Andy thought she may have even blushed a little. The rest of the room went gradually silent as Andy casually made his way to his previous seat.
Dalton’s eyes followed Andy as he opened up his notebook and clicked Kenny’s pen a couple of times. Andy found the page he was looking for and he sat back, crossing his legs. After a few seconds, which felt like a lifetime to everyone else in the room, he rose his head and his eyes met Dalton’s gaze, which was more quizzical than displeased.
Dalton scanned the room, as he does, noting their guest’s apparent fascination with his problem child, and cleared his throat. “Decided to join us again today, did you Johnson?” His eyebrows raised in anticipation.
“Sure did, boss. Excited to get to work on this latest project.” The room was briefly filled with a mixed chorus of snickers and gasps.
“May I ask what constituted this change of heart?”
Andy’s eyes moved back over to his mystery girl, whose expression changed slightly at the words ‘change of heart.’ She was certainly not displeased, but anyone could see that she was very interested to see where this conversation was going. His eyes returned to Dalton.
“Sometimes you just need a little reminder that some things are deeper than how they appear at surface level.” He turned to face the mystery girl. “Those children could be in real danger. This sign is but a simple reminder that sometimes the smallest change can elicit the greatest reward.” The girl smiled, which Andy returned with a sly wink.
Every eye in the room was focused on Andy, as if they were waiting for the punchline. Kenny rolled his eyes and leaned back in his chair. Dalton crossed his arms and gave Andy the same look a father would give his child when he knows they’re up to no good. At the same time, he liked the level of confidence that was now on display. He began to tap his foot on the floor, letting Andy know the jig was up.
“What?” laughed Andy. He looked around the room once more.
Dalton cleared his throat and reached for his diet soda.
“Fine,” said Andy as he tossed his pen down on the table. “There was some asshole idling his truck outside the building, and when I walked out to get some ‘fresh air,’ as one very brilliant, and may I say, dashingly handsome man had suggested I do…”
Andy paused to make direct eye contact with Dalton and whispered “you know you are.”
It was now Dalton’s turn to roll his eyes, and Andy returned to his normal speaking voice. “… and I walked directly into a cloud of smoke. It was gross.” Andy picked up his pen and tapped it on the notebook. “Now can we get back to work?”
Andy’s grin was returned by Dalton, who now turned to face the mystery girl. “Now that that’s over with Miss Andrews, let’s see what we can do to reduce the number of assholes sitting outside your school, shall we?”
Andy and Miss Andrews shared a flirtatious look before bursting into laugher along with the rest of the room.